Of Hope And Disappointment

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Dealing with disappointments is clearly not my forte. And over the years I’ve realised, it isn’t the actual bad news that kills you, what’s really brutal is all the hope that’s built up right before it.

It’s perhaps one of the reasons I’ve turned into such a cynical person.

If there is no hope, there can’t really be any disappointment, now can there?

But what kind of a life is that to live, really? One where there’s no wonder or hope or joy. One where you aren’t looking forward to things just because you might not be able to handle it if they don’t happen the way you had expected them to?

And yet, I’ve realised, that joy-less, hope-less, cynical life is an act of self preservation, one where my world doesn’t come crashing down, one where I don’t find myself struggling to hold back tears or to pretend to continue with my day like all my hopes and dreams haven’t just been shattered.

Yeah, I don’t really like that feeling, do you?

Brene Brown and her books on vulnerability don’t really tell you how to deal with this now, do they, before they encourage you to step out into the arena and get your ass kicked?

So make sure you have an iron-armoured ass. Because there’s definitely a lot of kicking.

And it hurts.

How Well Do You Really Know Yourself?

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No, this isn’t a quiz where the score at the end will say, ‘Congratulations, you are a know-it-all when it comes to yourself!’. It’s also something that sounds super obvious, doesn’t it? Of all the people in the world, the one person we definitely know well is ourselves, right?

A recent self-exploration session made me rethink that. To some extent.

The more we talked about me, what’s important to me, my values, my needs – certain things kept coming up, things that I hadn’t thought about for a long time. Yet they were things that I knew I’d spent most of my teenage years and early 20s fighting for.

It seemed it was as important to me now, if not more.

And yet, somewhere I’d stopped fighting for it.

When I visualised the person I’d like to be, I realised it was the person I used to be.

At what point did I manage to lose myself?

When did I tell myself to start living up to people’s expectations from me, instead of living up to my own expectations from myself?

How do we take the mask off? The one that’s now glued on so tight that you’re no longer sure where the plastic ends and the skin starts?

How do we turn back time, and become ourselves, again?

P.S. If there’s one thing this session made me realise, it’s the importance of having some time to myself. And it’s the one thing I’d suggest to everyone around me. Take advantage of the lovely rains and maybe just sit somewhere comfortable, with your cup of tea / coffee / water, and nothing else. No blue screens. No distractions. Just you and your thoughts. And remember, who you really are.

Maybe, you’d be pleasantly surprised.