Of Anxiety & Paranoia

I have always been super proud of being a highly logical human being. Sure, it can sometimes get in the way of my emotional well-being, something that I am learning to work on, but one thing I’ve always known, faced with a crisis, I will first analyse, figure out the next steps, and save the breaking down for later.

When people around me scream and react at a family member, say, falling down, I’d first calmly ask where it hurts.

And of that I’m proud.

Until recently.

Working in a social media company automatically means everyone around you is super connected, all the time. So news reaches you before it reaches the masses, just by simple first mover advantage. And nowadays, there’s a lot of news.

With Covid-19 spreading like wildfire (am I exaggerating here? I don’t think so) – I found that for the first time in my life, my anxiety levels were rising like never before. It was a feeling I wasn’t used to. Something deep in my chest, weighing me down as I powered through work, and every time I felt like I was finally breaking through and able to breathe, another piece of news would hit us. How many more cases reported. How many dead. How supermarkets are running out of stock. How India is slow in reacting. How Mumbai is finally reacting.

TMI.

I finally understood why that’s a bad thing. It’s the constant barrage of mostly unhappy news and discussions.

And for once, the logical part of me was scaring me even more. It was reminding me of how Mumbai has only one government hospital equipped to handle Covid-19. How chances of numbers being under-reported in the country are extremely high, given how the testing has been restricted. It was screaming at why things are moving at this pace, and screaming even more about how bad things are going to be.

A week ago I was worried about my Europe trip getting cancelled.

Yesterday, I was worried about the lives of everyone I know.

I’m going to pause here.

TMI.

It is so so important to stay calm. Something my doctor and therapist reinstated, and a tiny part of me felt offended that I had reached that point where someone had to say it to me.

But mental health is important. If we’re constantly worrying, there is no way we’re going to stay physically strong. So do what calms you down.

I’m doing my bit of trying to stay away from crowded areas.

I’m finally starting simple relaxing yoga at home again.

I’m reminding myself to visit social media less – pay a little less attention to alarming news at every second.

I’m meeting friends for breakfast in a bit, and yet doing my best to maintain social distance, at the risk of them minding the fact that I’m not going to hug them, and probably not share my food.

It’s hard appeasing a paranoid logical brain.

But I’m trying.