Of kindness and self love

It’s a wicked world we live in today. I’m not really being philosophical as I say that. It just is a world which looks forward to kicking your ass when you’re down, and maybe laughs a little while at it too. Yeah, I know, I’m just full of happy thoughts and positivity, no?

But in all of this, it just completely takes me by surprise when I’m suddenly faced with an act of kindness.

I’m going to repeat that, it takes me by surprise when I’m faced with an act of kindness. I’m just so used to expecting the worst from people. And I know that’s a horrible way to live, to not believe in the people around you – to never believe in the strangers for sure (you know, because they all want to kidnap / rape you and can’t possibly be nice humans).

But recently, at a time when I felt like I was at the end of my rope, I finally asked for something for myself, and surprisingly the people around me understood. And agreed. And at this point of time I should have been ecstatic, for actually getting what I wanted, and needed. And instead, after I registered the shock, I felt this immense load of guilt.

Guilty about how I was putting other people in a tough situation, and how they were being nice to me instead. Guilty about asking for something for myself, from an extreme place of privilege, something that most people can’t even consider. Guilty for placing my need in front of everyone else’s.

And that’s when it hit me. How can I ever expect other people around me to be kind to me, when I can’t even be kind to myself? Why is it so difficult to give yourself what you need, without the burden of guilt? Why is it so difficult, to just be happy for yourself?

They say what you put out in the world is what you get back. But I think we missed a step here. What we put into ourselves first, is what we can then hope to put out in the world.

And hopefully, get some love and kindness back.

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